The Paradox of Change: Why Acceptance Comes First
The paradox of counselling is that often the best, longest-lasting change comes when we accept ourselves where we are now. But it’s tricky. Of course, most people come to counselling because there is something that they want to change. Accepting themselves feels like the opposite of change.
Clients will often say things like: “If I accept myself as I am, won’t I just stay stuck? Shouldn’t I be pushing myself to do better?”
But the truth is, trying to change while fighting against your current reality is like trying to run a marathon while someone beats you over the head. It’s not just difficult – it’s nearly impossible.
You’re Already Winning at Life
Let’s start with something fundamental that we rarely acknowledge: from a biological perspective, you’re absolutely nailing it.
You’re alive. You’ve managed to stay alive for however many years you’ve been on this planet. You’re breathing, your heart is beating, you eat, poop and pee. Your nervous system has successfully navigated countless threats and kept you safe.
As an organism, you don’t actually need to do much else. Everything beyond staying alive is bonus territory.
This isn’t about lowering your standards or giving up on growth. It’s about recognising that you’re already succeeding at the most important task of all. You’re here, you’re doing okay as you are. You want things to be even better? Great! That’s completely natural and healthy too.
The Problem with Fighting Yourself
Most people approach change like they’re at war with themselves. They identify something they don’t like ─ their anxiety, their anger, their procrastination, their relationship patterns ─ and declare battle.
“I shouldn’t feel this anxious.”
“I need to stop being so sensitive.”
“I have to get my act together.”
“Why can’t I just be more confident?”
Sound familiar? This approach treats parts of yourself as enemies to be defeated. But here’s the thing: you can’t win a war against yourself because you are both armies. All your energy goes into fighting, leaving nothing left for the hard task of making changes.
Imagine trying to run that marathon while your own internal critic is running alongside you, shouting: “You’re too slow! You’re embarrassing yourself! You should have trained harder! Everyone else is better than you!” How far do you think you’d get?
What Acceptance Actually Means
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or being passive. It doesn’t mean you like everything about your current situation or that you don’t want things to change. It’s not resignation, and it’s certainly not approval of harmful behaviours or situations.
Acceptance means stopping the internal fight long enough to see clearly what’s actually happening. It’s like taking a pause in that marathon to assess your situation: “Right, I’m here at mile 15, my legs are tired, I’m thirsty, but I’m still moving. What do I need right now to keep going?”
When you accept where you are, you can:
- See your situation clearly without arguing with your inner critic
- Recognise what you need ─ water, rest, a good cry
- Access your energy for moving forward rather than fighting reality
- Make decisions from a place of calm rather than panic
- Recognise your strengths and resources instead of only seeing problems
The Paradox in Action
Think about it this way: when you’re anxious about being anxious, you now have two problems ─ the original anxiety plus the anxiety about the anxiety. When you’re angry at yourself for being angry, you’re now angry and frustrated. When you criticise yourself for procrastinating, you’re still procrastinating but now also feeling terrible about it.
Acceptance breaks this cycle. Instead of “I shouldn’t be anxious” (which creates more anxiety), you can think “I’m feeling anxious right now, and that’s understandable given what’s happening.” Suddenly you have energy available for dealing with the situation rather than fighting your own feelings about it.
This isn’t just feel-good psychology. When you stop fighting your internal experience, your nervous system can shift out of that defensive fight-or-flight mode we talked about earlier. When you’re not perceived as under attack (even from yourself), your parasympathetic system can engage, and that’s when clear thinking, creativity, and genuine change become possible.
The Marathon Analogy
Personal growth really is like running a marathon, and it’s much easier to complete when you have:
- Water stations (breaks and self-care)
- A cheering crowd (self-compassion and support)
- Proper gear (tools and techniques)
- Realistic pacing (accepting that change takes time)
Acceptance provides all of these. It says: “You’ve come this far, well done. You want to go further, that’s great. Let’s take a moment to see what you need for the next stretch.”
Practical Steps Towards Acceptance
So, how do we do acceptance? We’re all so used to beating our selves up for our perceived failures and shortcomings that it can be hard to know where to start.
Start with small acknowledgements:
Instead of “I’m such a mess,” try “I’m struggling with some things right now, and that’s human.”
Notice the language of war:
Catch yourself using words like “should,” “battle,” “fight,” “overcome,” “defeat” when talking about parts of yourself. What would it sound like if you used gentler language?
Ask yourself: “What if this part of me is trying to help?”
Your anxiety might be trying to keep you safe. Your anger might be protecting your boundaries. Your procrastination might be telling you something important about your priorities or energy levels.
Practice the pause:
When you notice yourself getting frustrated with your own feelings or behaviours, take a breath and ask: “What do I need right now?” rather than “What’s wrong with me?”
Celebrate the basics:
You got up today. You’re reading this, which means you care about growth. You’ve survived 100% of your difficult days so far. These aren’t small things.
Consider what you would say to a friend:
You probably wouldn’t be as mean to your friends as you are yourself. So, what would you say if a friend felt the same way?
Change Through Acceptance
When you accept where you are, you create space for genuine choice. Instead of reacting against your current reality, you can respond to it thoughtfully. You can ask better questions: “What would be helpful right now?” rather than “Why am I like this?”
You can make changes from a place of self-care rather than self-attack. You can experiment with new approaches because you’re not desperately trying to escape your current self.
Acceptance doesn’t slow down change ─ it makes sustainable change possible. Because the changes you make from a place of self-compassion are far more likely to stick than those you force through self-criticism.
Remember: you’re not trying to get somewhere else to be worthy. You’re already worthy, you’re already doing okay, and you’re naturally growing and changing all the time. Acceptance just makes that process a lot less exhausting and a lot more effective.