There’s a word that shows up with almost every counselling client and leads to lots of self-criticism. It’s so common that most people don’t even notice they’re saying it. Yet this single word has an extraordinary ability to make us feel guilty, anxious, and powerless.
The word? “Should.”
“I should be over this by now.” “I should be more confident.” “I should have handled that better.” “I should be grateful for what I have.” “I should want to spend time with my family.” “I should know what I want to do with my life.”
Sound familiar? If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. The word “should” is so deeply embedded in how we think and speak that we barely register its presence. But here’s the thing: every time we use it, we’re unconsciously handing our power away.
Why “Should” Is So Problematic
Here’s the crucial issue: “should” drags everything into the moral realm, even when morality isn’t relevant. When we say “I should be over this by now” or “I should be more confident,” we’re not making ethical statements – we’re expressing preferences or goals. But by using “should,” we turn these into moral judgements about ourselves.
This matters because once something becomes a moral issue, it carries weight of right and wrong, good and bad. Suddenly, struggling with confidence isn’t just a human experience – it becomes a moral failing. Not being “over” something fast enough isn’t about acknowledging the pain an experience has caused – it becomes evidence that you’re somehow deficient.
“Should” also creates distance between who we are and who we think we ought to be. It sets up an internal judge that’s constantly self critical based on standards that often aren’t even our own. These standards are frequently impossible to meet because they’re based on fantasy rather than reality.
But perhaps most importantly, “should” is rigid. It suggests there’s one right way to be, one correct response, one proper timeline. This rigidity keeps us stuck in the same thinking patterns, unable to see alternatives or possibilities.
Think about it: when you say “I should be over this by now,” who decided on the timeline? When you say “I should be more confident,” compared to whom? When you say “I should know what I want,” according to what rulebook?
The word “should” also robs us of intentionality – our power to make conscious choices. When we say we “should” do something, we’re essentially saying we “have to,” which removes our sense of agency. Most people naturally resist things they feel they have to do, especially when these demands are constant and numerous.
The Power Hidden in Our Language
Language shapes how we experience the world. The words we use don’t just describe our reality – they actually create it. When we repeatedly tell ourselves we “should” be different, we reinforce self-criticism, feelings of inadequacy and disconnection from our authentic selves.
But here’s the brilliant thing: because language is so powerful, we can use it to reconnect with our own agency and values. By changing one word, we can shift from criticism to curiosity, from judgement to genuine choice.
What to Say Instead
Instead of “should,” try these alternatives:
“I could…” This opens up possibilities without pressure and naturally encourages flexible thinking. “I could try handling that differently next time” suggests options rather than obligations. Unlike “should,” which keeps us stuck in rigid patterns or self-criticism, “could” rewires the brain to consider alternatives. For example, “I should just book my dad’s transport for him” becomes “I could just book dad’s transport for him, but I could also let him ask for help or show him how to do it himself.” Notice how “could” automatically opens up multiple possibilities. Plus, it rhymes with should, making it an easy replacement.
“I want to…” This reconnects you with your genuine desires. “I want to feel more confident” acknowledges your goal without the implicit criticism that you’re currently failing.
“I choose to…” This emphasises your agency and decision-making power. “I choose to work on getting over this” acknowledges that healing is an active choice you’re making.
“It would be helpful if I…” This frames change as practical rather than moral. “It would be helpful if I were more confident in meetings” focuses on benefit rather than judgement.
“I’d like to…” This expresses preference without demand. “I’d like to know what I want to do with my life” acknowledges a desire without suggesting you’re failing by not knowing.
Try This Exercise
For the next week, become a detective of your own language. Notice when you use “should” – in your internal dialogue and in conversation with others. You don’t need to change anything yet; just notice.
You might be surprised by how often it appears. Many people discover they’re “shoulding” themselves dozens of times a day without realising it.
Once you’ve spent a week noticing, try this simple substitution exercise:
- Catch yourself saying or thinking “I should…”
- Pause and ask: “What am I really trying to say here?”
- Rephrase using one of the alternatives above
- Notice how the new version feels different in your body
For example:
- “I should call my mum” becomes “I want to stay connected with my mum” or “I could call my mum this evening”
- “I should be more productive” becomes “I’d like to feel more accomplished” or “It would be helpful if I structured my day differently”
- “I should have thought of that” becomes “Perhaps I could have thought of that… but I didn’t, and here I am. What do I do now?”
Pay particular attention to past-tense “shoulds” – these are often the most painful because we’re criticising ourselves for things we cannot change. “I should have done better” or “I should have known” trap us in impossible situations. We cannot go back and alter our past actions or decisions, so these “shoulds” keep us stuck in regret rather than moving forward with intention.
When “Should” Might Actually Be Useful
Now, I’m not suggesting we ban the word entirely. Sometimes “should” refers to genuine practical or moral considerations: “I should probably take an umbrella since it’s raining” or “I should check my bank balance before making this purchase.” More importantly, when something truly relates to your own moral and ethical framework, “should” can be appropriate: “I should help my elderly neighbour” or “I shouldn’t break my promises.”
The key distinction is whether the “should” reflects:
- Your genuine values and ethics (useful)
- Practical necessity (useful)
- External expectations or self-criticism (problematic)
The problematic “shoulds” are the ones that:
- Make you feel guilty or inadequate
- Come from external expectations rather than your own values
- Set impossible or unclear standards
- Focus on who you think you ought to be rather than who you are
- Drag non-moral issues into the moral realm
The Deeper Work
Changing our language is a fantastic starting point, but the deeper work involves examining where these “shoulds” come from in the first place. Often, they’re inherited from family, culture, or past experiences. They might have served a purpose once – perhaps helping you fit in or stay safe – but they may no longer be useful.
In counselling, we explore these patterns together to ask questions like: Where did you learn that you “should” be a certain way? Whose voice is really behind that internal critic? What would it feel like to make choices based on your own values rather than inherited expectations?
Reclaiming Your Authority Through Intentionality
Here’s what I’ve noticed in my work: people who stop “shoulding” themselves start making more authentic choices. They become less anxious and self-critical because they’re not constantly measuring themselves against impossible standards. They develop genuine self-compassion because they’re treating themselves as human beings rather than projects to be fixed.
Most importantly, they reclaim their intentionality – their power to make conscious choices, take action, and accept responsibility for the consequences. Intentionality is what gives us genuine agency and control. It’s the feeling of power that comes from knowing you’re choosing your path rather than being driven by external demands or unconscious habits.
When we say “I should do this,” we remove choice from the equation. It becomes something we “have to” do, which naturally creates resistance and resentment. But when we say “I choose to do this” or “I want to do this,” we step into our power as the author of our own lives.
This shift from obligation to intention isn’t just semantic – it’s transformational. It allows us to make bigger changes because we’re working with our natural motivation rather than against it.
Your feelings, your timeline, your way of being in the world – these aren’t wrong. They’re simply yours. When we replace “should” with language that honours our agency and authenticity, we step back into our own power.
You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are right now. And from that place of acceptance, real change becomes possible.
Small Changes, Big Impact
Language might seem like a small thing, but it’s often the small changes that create the biggest shifts. Pay attention to your “shoulds” this week. Notice them with curiosity rather than judgement. And when you’re ready, try swapping them for words that honour your choices, your desires, and your perfectly imperfect human experience.
You might be surprised by how powerful you feel when you stop telling yourself how you should be and start connecting with who you actually are.