There’s one word that I’ve found shows up with almost every counselling client at some point during our sessions. It’s so common that most people don’t even notice they’re saying it. Yet, it often has an extraordinary ability to make us feel guilty, anxious, and powerless.
“Should.”
We say things like “I should be over this by now”, “I should be more confident”, or “I should have handled that better.”
Sound familiar? The word “should” is so deeply embedded in how we think and speak that we barely register its presence. But every time we use it, we’re unconsciously handing our power away.
In this article:
Why “Should” Is So Problematic
You might be wondering what is so problematic about the word ‘should’. A lot of the time it doesn’t really cause any problems and is just a turn of phrase.
But in many other situations, “should” drags things into a moral realm, often completely unnecessarily. While, in other situations, ‘should’ removes any sense of personal choice or agency.
Let’s take a simple example: “I should exercise more”
Now I feel an obligation to myself and I feel kinda bad for not having already exercised more. It feels like I’ve failed before I’ve started. Okay, it might motivate me to do some exercise, but I’ve found from my own experience and my client’s experiences that this shaming ‘stick’ only works for a short period ─ eventually we get fed up with not having a ‘carrot’ to chase. In other words, ‘should’ is a punishing way of motivating ourselves, not a rewarding one.
Even more insidious is past-tense ‘shoulds’. “I should have exercised yesterday”, for example. Now I feel bad for something that has already happened (or not, in this case). I can’t change anything, I can’t fix the situation, I can’t go back and have exercised yesterday.
In these examples, ‘should’ isn’t too harmful, it’s just a bit unmotivating. But when we start applying ‘shoulds’ to our state of mind, we can end up internalising the shame. We become shameful and deficient human beings.
For example, by saying “I should be over this by now” or “I should be more confident,” we’re turning our feelings into moral judgements about ourselves.
Why should you? If you’re feeling stuck or lacking confidence, you need support, patience, and compassion, not judgement, shame, and to feel deficient.
Struggling with confidence is a normal human experience, not a moral failing. Not being “over” something is about acknowledging pain, not evidence that you’re somehow deficient.
The word “should” also robs us of intentionality — our power to make conscious choices. When we say we “should” do something, we’re essentially saying we “have to,” which removes our sense of agency. Most people naturally resist things they feel forced to do, especially when these demands are constant.
The Power Hidden in Our Language
When we repeatedly tell ourselves we “should” be different, we reinforce self-criticism, feelings of inadequacy and disconnection from our authentic selves.
However, because language is so powerful, we can use it to reconnect with our own agency and values. By changing one word, we can shift from criticism to curiosity, from judgement to genuine choice.
If you notice yourself saying “I should…” see if you can swap it out for one of these alternatives:
“I could…” This opens up possibilities without pressure. “I could try handling that differently next time” gives you a new option rather than an obligation.
“I should exercise” becomes “I could exercise today or not.”
A bonus of “could” is that it rhymes with “should,” which makes it an easy replacement.
“I want to…” This reconnects you with your genuine desires. “I want to feel more confident” acknowledges your goal without the implicit criticism that you’re currently failing.
“I choose to…” This emphasises your agency. “I choose to call my mum today” makes it an active choice and can feel less like an obligation or burden.
“It would be helpful if I…” This frames change as practical rather than moral. “It would be helpful if I were more confident in meetings” focuses on benefit rather than judgement.
“I’d like to…” This expresses preference without demand. “I’d like to be over this issue” acknowledges a desire without suggesting you’re failing by not knowing. It also leads you to consider choices ─ how might I work towards getting over this issue?
Try This Exercise
For the next week, see if you can notice when you use “should” in your internal dialogue and in conversation with others.
Many people discover they’re “shoulding” themselves dozens of times a day without realising it.
Once you’ve spent a week noticing, try this:
- Catch yourself saying or thinking “I should…”
- Pause and ask: “What am I really trying to say here?”
- Rephrase using one of the alternatives above
- Notice how the new version feels different in your body
For example:
- “I should call my mum” becomes “I want to stay connected with my mum” or “I could call my mum this evening”
- “I should be more productive” becomes “I’d like to feel more accomplished”
- “I should have thought of that” becomes “Perhaps I could have thought of that… but I didn’t, and here I am. What do I do now?”
If you’d like a helping hand to transform your ‘shoulds’ into ‘coulds’ ─ try my free Should to Could tool.
Reclaiming Your Authority
I’ve found that clients who stop “shoulding” themselves start making more authentic choices. They become less anxious and self-critical because they’re not constantly measuring themselves against impossible standards. They are more able to develop genuine self-compassion because they’re treating themselves as human beings rather than projects to be fixed.
When we say “I should do this,” we remove choice from the equation. It becomes something we “have to” do, which naturally creates resistance and resentment. But when we say “I choose to do this” or “I want to do this,” we step into our power as the author of our own lives.
Sense Check: When “Should” Is Fine
By the way, I’m not suggesting we ban the word entirely. I don’t want that kind of power!
Sometimes “should” refers to genuine practical or moral considerations: “I should check my bank balance before making this purchase” might be a handy thought. “I should make sure I am okay to drive” is a useful ethical consideration to keep yourself and others safe.
When something truly relates to your own moral and ethical framework, “should” can be entirely appropriate.
The problematic “shoulds” are the ones that make you feel guilty or inadequate, come from external expectations rather than your own values, or set impossible standards that drag non-moral issues into the moral realm.
